


Fallmanins

by FergardStratoavis



Category: Action Taimanin, Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout (Video Game), 対魔忍アサギ | Taimanin Asagi (Anime), 対魔忍ユキカゼ | Taimanin Yukikaze (Anime)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Creative Bankruptcy, Gen, fucking hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29384061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FergardStratoavis/pseuds/FergardStratoavis
Summary: A demon showing up in Gosha woods is certainly a cause for alarm - but this demon is something else entirely.Or; Ferg is creatively bankrupt and thought this would be funny.
Relationships: Mizuki Yukikaze/Akiyama Tatsuro, Mizuki Yukikaze/Akiyama Tatsurou
Kudos: 1





	Fallmanins

“...Kiryuu? I will need a second opinion here.”

“A thorough examination, requested by my dear Murasaki? Why, I’ll be there yesterday~”

“Call me “dear Murasaki” again, and you’ll be eating through a straw for the next year.”

“That sounds like a risk well-worth taking!~”

“...just get over here, for fuck’s sake.”

\----

The “demon” resembled no breed Murasaki Yatsu was familiar with – and she had her fair share of knowledge on the things, as befitting a proper Taimanin.

The creature was first sighted by some freshmen bumbling around in the Gosha woods. She could give them an earful about skipping class later – for now she was just grateful the damn thing didn’t make accordions out of their spines. In fact, the freshmen’s account of the “demon” had it thoroughly unconcerned with them, merely building something on a convenient meadow.

Regardless of its intentions, a demon in Gosha woods warranted investigation and suppression. With Asagi-sama out on a mission, Murasaki was effectively a commanding officer in charge of the defenses – and she planned to be as thorough about it as possible. How did the demon get here? Where was the gap in their perimeter? Just what were the demon’s capabilities? Was NOMAD involved?

And then once she actually saw the thing, one more question popped up in her mind: what the fuck?

The “demon” was about six feet tall and resembled a walking jellybean with stubby legs and grubby hands. Other than a white faceplate with black beady eyes its body was cast in a single bubblegum pink tone, without any distinctive features. It had no discernible gender, wore no clothes, and basically looked nothing like a demon of any kind.

“Ah, Yatsu. About time.” The gatekeeper of Gosha woods, one Shizuka Mori, greeted the Undying with a wave. Yet, her eyes never left the demon and the circle of enhanced bees keeping it confined to a single patch of land as they buzzed and gnashed in place. The bean creature seemed content to stay in place for now, quaking in its metaphorical boots. Murasaki craned her neck slightly, noting the weird construction some ways away from the confinement point.

...it resembled a stage from Takeshi’s Castle. Somehow, the thought had Murasaki shudder.

“So… that’s the demon, then?”

“Mhm. It’s not really doing much.” Shizuka nodded, stretching idly on the treebranch she took for a vantage point to coordinate her bees from. “I had half a mind to let it be and see just what it builds.”

“The freshmen?”

“Unharmed. Shinjou is checking on them just in case.” So the demon really didn’t do anything to the kids. At least there was that. Perhaps it recognized where it was and that there would be hell to pay if a hair fell off their heads. Or maybe it was harmless. Demons were people too, at least some of them. They had a few hanging around Gosha – if under surveillance.

“Did it say anything?”

“Doesn’t look like it can speak. It gets gestures, but it’s been tough trying to figure out what it means.” Murasaki shook her head, already feeling growing frustration within. “Well, Kiryuu will be here any moment to see what makes it tick.”

“Poor thing.”

“...no kidding.”

\----

Sabato Kiryuu was, much to his vexation, thoroughly stumped.

The “bean” he was presented with was a demon, alright. It might not have looked like one, and it lacked anything resembling nefarious intentions or even a smidgeon of aggressiveness in its body. It got a little testy as Murasaki lifted it up in a fireman carry for transportation, but that seemed to be the extent of its ire. It was no doubt a demon, and yet it behaved as a model patient, letting him conduct most of the routine checks. Nothing more… involved. He needed Asagi’s permission for such these days.

So, what did they know about this creature? Some interesting biological trivia, for one; like how the beady eyes were in fact long stalks sinking back into its birdlike skeleton. The near-entirety of its plush bean body felt like a body and more like a _suit_. Or how the skeleton had _nipples_. Why did the skeleton have _nipples_? Why did the hands had veiny membrane-like connections? As an expert of demonology and hell technology, Kiryuu knew plenty about affronts against nature – but this one seemed to exist naturally, without prompting from those who would seek to expand on the order of things, for good or ill.

And none of this seemed to serve a _purpose!_ This damn bean was a platypus of a demon!

...but the biological oddities of it hid something else. Something far more sinister – but for that, Kiryuu needed a live example.

\----

“Break my arm, Murasaki.”

The bluenette would treat such a request with a raised eyebrow from most people. Because it was Kiryuu asking for it, her first assumption was him deciding to “flirt” with her in the only way he knew how: by being an abhorrent masochist mad scientist.

But no, it seemed he was actually serious about it. No doubt this had something to do with the captured bean demon – currently just standing around, looking out the window. If it was trying to lull them into a false sense of security, it was succeeding with flying colors: currently its escort was minimal, with only Murasaki and Shizuru Kousaka. The blonde didn’t seem too bothered with the bean demon, instead regarding her fellow teacher slash Taimanin and a resident mad scientist like a silly UFS soap opera, an amused smirk dancing on her lips.

“...or you can break yours if it pleases you.”

“...on second thought, yeah, sure.” Murasaki shook her head before grabbing Kiryuu’s forearm and bending it down with ease. Bone snapped with a sickening crunch as he bit back a curse – and a sudden feeling of orgasmic elation – and stepped back, nursing his broken limb. “So what does this prove?”

“Just… ah, fuck, just observe.” Murasaki knew that Kiryuu had potent regenerative powers of his own. Nothing of her caliber, but a broken arm wouldn’t stay broken for long. It wasn’t something he could suppress – and she had no idea why he would ever want to.

So after watching the arm remain broken for a solid moment, Murasaki’s eyes widened in understanding. “So you’re saying that our friend-shaped friend over there” Shizuru gestured to the bean demon. “can nullify regenerative powers?”

“I would assume the same is true for Taimanin Arts and Particles.” The blonde frowned, opening up her palm and willing a plant form – a plain daisy - to life. Nothing. “I asked One-Eye to look into any info they can get on this demon already.”

“Great. We have an equivalent of a greater demon just sitting about acting innocent and depriving us of powers with its mere existence.” Murasaki definitely did not consider the situation great.

\----

The situation was yet to become any greater. In fact, things have been only getting worse.

...well, at least Asagi-sama was back. Guess Murasaki could thank Kiryuu for calling her, at least. “So… this is the best recount we could have found.” Kotaro Fuuma patted the dusty old grimoire resting on the desk.

“Apparently this is a copy of a copy of a copy of an original recounting!” Hebiko Aishuu piped up from behind his shoulder. “It’s said to date back all the way down to Sumerians!”

“...that old, then.” Asagi Igawa nodded, her brows furrowing slowly. “What does it say?”

“The species of this demon is considered ancient even by demon standards. Most of them were extinct by the time we had a Japanese translation however.” Kotaro looked uncertain for a time. “Their original name is Crownseekers.”

“Crownseekers? I’m guessing this name was given to them by others?” Murasaki suggested. Fuuma nodded.

“It seems they really enjoy their crowns. But, well, since the only people wearing crowns back in a day were kings and queens…”

“Ruiners! Warbringers! Grabbers of Iniquity! Warenders! Heralds of Salt Piles!” Hebiko looked like she was really waiting to list off some of the names, if her bouncing on her feet was anything to go by.

“Their most recent name, dating back to… 2020 AD, looks like…” Kotaro browsed through the notes one more time, as if to confirm that he was not seeing things. “is Fall Guys.”

“...talk about a mood shift.” Murasaki spoke before she could think, suddenly feeling everyone’s – chiefly Asagi-sama’s! - eyes on her. “I, er…”

“Don’t worry, it took me off-guard too.” Bless the Headmistress’s heart, she was pretty cool about it. Asagi’s amused smile slipped off as she turned back to Fuuma. “Is there anything else about their motivations and their culture? There is no guarantee it won’t turn hostile if we try forcing it to leave. Given its powers, it’s not a risk we can take freely.”

“I found… an incantation.” Kotaro’s eye notably escaped sideways at the last word. Hebiko barely resisted a snicker. “Once used, it will transport people nearby into the home realm of the Crownseekers for a few hours. There, they will participate in a game.”

“...some kind of wild hunt?” Murasaki’s eyebrows narrowed. Fuuma shook his head.

“It’s more of an obstacle course, and with little harm done to those who aren’t quite dexterous for it. Once the game is complete, the Crownseekers who participated are flung across the universe.”

“What about non-Crownseekers?” Asagi asked.

“They return to where they were once the games are concluded. Side-effects include fighting for the crown among the victors. To my understanding, the crowns you can win in Crownseeker games are worthless baubles, but appear as the greatest riches to the feeble-minded.”

“So there is a possibility of brainwashing?”

“If we keep everyone involved knowledgeable on what the crown is, it should be fine.” The headmistress drummed her fingers on the table. It didn’t escape her attention that Fuuma’s expression turned pensive. Asagi didn’t rush him.

“About that… we will need at least forty people for the game to even take place.” For a moment no one said anything. Even Hebiko’s bouncing became less pronounced. “If we have less, the ritual won’t work.”

“So… we’re potentially looking at forty casualties at the very least…” Murasaki’s eyebrows narrowed. “Assuming it’s nowhere near as cute and cuddly as it pretends to be.”

“It is a cause for concern… but I have a feeling our demon will hold up the end of its bargain.” Asagi shook her head. “But we’ll still have to organize before we attempt this, so no civilians are caught in the crossfire.”

“Gosha woods, Asagi-sama?”

“That was my idea.”

\----

Tatsuro Akiyama felt uneasy.

It wasn’t just because they were in the presence of a demon that had the veterans like Miss Murasaki or Headmistress Asagi looking uneasy, or because the demon looked anything but threatening with its bean-shaped plush body. Maybe it was because despite everyone present – even Fuuma-san, who wasn’t exactly a fighter – being outfitted in their Taimanin suits they were making no moves against the demon. Or maybe because it was because they were standing in a circle with the bean creature in the middle of it, standing atop a foam block.

“Guess Miss Murasaki won’t let Doctor Kiryuu out of eyeshot if she can help it.” Yukikaze Mizuki sighed, watching their stern teacher wrangle their hell technology specialist into the circle with her.

“He’s a despicable man, but an invaluable asset in a situation like this.” Tatsuro’s older sister Rinko nodded, still like a statue otherwise. “This is uncharted territory for most of us, but he’s likely knowledgeable in hell realms like the one we’re about to enter.”

“I dunno about that. Fuuma’s been slippery with answering, but it sounds like this… uh, bean guy is not your standard demon.” Yukikaze shook her head. “As long as it doesn’t think it can pull a fast one on forty Taimanins at once.”

“A-actually…” Momoko Maezono piped up quietly a few spots further to the left, nervously brushing some bangs off her face. “I’ve heard that this… um, fall guy demon person isn’t even hostile.”

“It’s not hostile _now_.” Yukikaze shook her head with a huff. “But I’d bet tomorrow’s lunch that it would get nasty if we had to force it to leave the old-fashioned way. Transform into something awful.”

“I have heard its skeleton does not match its body in the slightest.” Rinka Shido hummed from her spots. “Seeing Doctor Kiryuu this confused was a first for me.”

“Even Kiryuu’s confused, huh…” Tatsuro ran a hand through his hair. This was certainly becoming a new class of an ordeal. His eyes went over to where Fuuma stood, flanked by Hebiko and Uehara Shikanosuke, and with an old dusty tome in hands. The group circling the demon was a mix of students and veterans, armed for anything.

So why was he feeling so antsy all of a sudden?

“Alright. We’ll be proceeding with the ritual right about now.” Fuuma called to the crowd, lifting the book slightly. “Make sure not to break the circle, no matter what happens. And… well, try not to die.” The nonchalant advice got a few people to snicker, but soon it was silence again. Fuuma’s eye went towards the Headmistress – and with her tacit nod of approval, there was nothing left to do but to proceed.

Slowly, Kotaro raised the book above his head. The bean demon’s attention was his. “You, Fall Guy, I implore! May we duel for the Crown!” He took a deep breath. Now came the hard part. “And so, I incant: Big Yeetus! Slingus Flingus! Mediatonic!” He had to keep going, even as a few nervous giggles reached him. “Quantum Chicken Soup Grass Big Chungus!”

For a moment nothing happened, beyond some people tittering in their spots. Then the bean demon clapped its hands excitedly, bouncing on its feet.

And then, like a passenger getting pulled out of the plane whose doors were suddenly removed mid-flight, so were the forty Taimanins and one Fall Guy pulled out of reality.

**Author's Note:**

> This is what a bout of creative bankruptcy brings out in me, I guess: a crossover so dumb it could not possibly have ever existed.
> 
> Yet, here we are. 
> 
> Consider it my comfort food of a fanfic. The year's been going slow so far and a fair share of plight befell me already, but things might be looking up. To this end, I will make something out of this demented brainchild of mine. Don't worry about any Taimanin canon; things are silly nonsense around here, for the most part. They'll get sillier yet come next chapters - the maximum amount of players in a Fall Guys lobby is sixty, after all... 
> 
> If you want to follow me through this hell, feel free to read and comment and enjoy the story as much as you can. c:


End file.
